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Baby boomers may have destroyed America but that doesn’t mean, come the holidays, they don’t deserve a nice gift.
Let me back up. Venture capitalist Bruce Cannon Gibney is the author of a histrionic screed called A Generation of Sociopaths: How the Baby Boomers Betrayed America.
It prompted an impressive media pile-on. Time trumpeted that we “broke America.’’ Vox let us know that we wrecked America. The Washington Post weighed in with, “If America is Messed Up, the Boomers are to Blame.”
While Gibney is thorough in listing our crimes against humanity, he neglects to address a critical issue that, regardless of our evil-doing, is never going away: the holidays.
Here’s where I want to help! All you boomer-loathing millennials and Generation Z-ers are going to face some tough decisions this holiday season: what in the name of avocado toast do you give the worst people in the world?
What do you buy for that special Maximum Overlord of Chaos and Destruction who has laid waste to the once-greatest nation on earth, also known as Dad?
What is the perfect present for that tan, rested, and ready minion of Satan known as Aunt Debbie? That water aerobics-loving gal who will go on to live way beyond her life expectancy, and is responsible for the national debt AND the federal deficit.
Come Christmas morning, what will bring a smile to the face of that meditating, juice-fasting stepmother who refuses to acknowledge the role of dumb luck in her easy life, and who introduced the world to tie-dye, disco and the Starland Vocal Band?
No worries, Hellalife is here. Herewith: a gift guide for the Worst Generation of all the Generations Ever on Planet Earth.
For the Dad who has squandered America’s resources: Giant box of steaks. There’s nothing better for the man who doesn’t care that raising a cow uses ten times more resources than raising a chicken. Stocking stuffer: “Captain America” BBQ lighter and tool set.
For the Mom who has single-handedly guaranteed that 90% of fuel remains petroleum-based, contributing to greenhouse gas emissions: Single cup flavored coffee subscription service. Every month, this waterfall cardigan-wearing evil-doer will receive a box of non-recyclable K-cups in a variety of delicious flavors including Hazelnut, Egg Nog, and Butter Toffee. Perfect for a morning spent suppressing research on the development of alternative clean energy sources.
For the gray ponytailed uncle who believes in the Illuminati, but not the moon landing, and has used pagan spells and positive thinking to convince influential Hollywood people that vaccines are the root of all evil: Metal detector that picks up chemtrails in water.
For the torn skinny jeans-rocking step-mom who guards her ‘me’ time, and is the first person on earth to demonstrate the human penchant for self-absorption: Wicked Witch vanity mirror. Stocking stuffer: Kylie Jenner-endorsed selfie stick. Also, just to mess with her, and to remind her that those blond highlights don’t fool anyone, a commemorative edition of When I Am Old Woman, I Shall Wear Purple.
For the much older half-brother (from Dad’s first family), who engineered two decades of massive tax cuts, and who also took out a payday loan for a new tattoo that says, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”: Cash. Duh.
For the stepdad who spends his days surfing, getting high, and jamming with his garage band, thereby signaling to the rest of the humanity that growing up is for suckers: RompHim, the World’s Favorite Man Romper (relaxed fit)
For the “aunt” who is Mom’s best friend and college roommate, otherwise known as the first person in recorded history to ever drink too much and reminiscence about the good old days: a tiny yarn vest. Stocking stuffer: Chia pet.
In the event you need to come up with a last minute gift for Mom’s new boyfriend, Dad’s half-brother he discovered through Ancestry.com, or boomer work colleagues (provided they haven’t all been let go), we got you covered.
Consider:
Elon Musk’s Not-a-Flamethrower ™;
16’ inflatable Darth Vader with Glowing Light Saber for lawn and garden
Happy holidays, and no need to thank me. Imagining the joy on all those aging, dastardly faces is thanks enough..
